Better Than A Backward Flushing Toilet
by Lady FoxFire
Summary: #6 in the 'If Things Had Been Different' universe - Take one group of space explorer-alien fighters mix with another group of alien fighter. Stir well and then sit back and wait.
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** Better Than A Backward Flushing Toilet

**Author:** Lady FoxFire

**Pairing(s):** None

**Rating:** PG-13

**Setting:** During season 5 of StarGate SG-1. Set in my 'If Things Had Been Different' series

**Warning:** None

**Category(s):** Crossover

**Summary:** Take one group of space explorer-alien fighters mix with another group of alien fighter. Stir well and then sit back and wait.

**Disclaimer:** I'm going to the easy win tonight instead of taking the chance and going for the million… I do not own the StarGate SG-1 series or the Transformers series nor do I make any money from this fic. And if you didn't understand this disclaimer it's because my son has driven me insane and my Muse has ran off with my plot bunnies.

**Bad Author Notes:** The time line has been adjust so that the Transformers movie happen sometime at the beginning or during season 5 of StarGate SG-1.

Yes this is crack.

* * *

The soldiers sitting at the briefing room table rose and stood at attention when General Hammond walked into the room followed by a Colonel, a Major and two civilians.

"Be seated," Hammond said as he sat down at the head of the table with Colonel at his left hand.

"Gentlemen allow me to introduce you to Colonel O'Neill," Hammond said with a nod to the man at his left, "Major Carter," the General nodded to a blond woman who was two seats down from the Colonel. "Dr. Jackson," the young man between the Colonel and Major gave the soldiers across from them a small wave. "And Teal'c," Hammond said as he introduce the tall black man.

"Now I know you have all signed the non-disclosure forms but I feel the need to remind you that everything you see and learn today is Top Secret and can not be discussed with anyone," Hammond said.

The young Captain bearing the name Lennox on his nametag nodded his head. "We understand, sir."

"The reason you have been asked here today is because you come with a very high recommendation as being a unit that is able to think outside of the box and being able to accept things that might seem strange to the ordinary military mindset," Hammond explained.

"What type of things?" Captain Lennox asked respectfully.

"Dr. Jackson would be the best to explain," Hammond said as he nodded towards the doctor. "If you would Dr. Jackson."

"Right," Jackson as he rose from his set and walked to the end of the table as the wall behind him flickered to life. "Umm… I guess I should begin by saying that I'm not a medical doctor. My degree is in Archaeology and Linguistics."

One of the soldiers raised his hand.

"Yes, Corporal… umm…" Dr. Jackson said

"Mulderrig, sir," the Corporal replied.

Dr. Jackson smiled. "What was your question, Corporal Mulderrig?"

"What's Linguistics, sir?" Mulderrig asked.

"Oh… well Linguistics is the scientific study of natural language," Jackson said before sighing when he saw the blank look on the soldiers' faces. "Because I can read and speak a number of languages I can use those skills so I can figure out other languages I run across as long as they're have some roots based on Earth's language."

"What Daniel is trying to say is that he's really good at translating," Colonel O'Neill chimed in. "He can translate almost everything except techno babble; Carter does that."

Dr. Daniel Jackson sighed wearily. "Thank you Jack for your helpful comments."

"Not a problem, Daniel," Jack said with a grin. "Always happy to help."

Daniel rolled his eyes before turning his attention back to Corporal Mulderrig. "Did that clear things up, Corporal?"

Mulderrig nodded his head. "Yes, sir. Thank you, sir."

A black and white picture of an archaeology dig appeared on the wall behind Daniel. "In 1928 an archaeology dig conducted by Professor Langford and discovered what we call the Stargate and it's coverstone," Daniel explained as the picture change to a color picture of a giant ring.

"At that time they we're able to translate the glyphs on the coverstone that they discover that the Stargate was device that at the time they believed was a weapon but it wasn't until later they realized their mistake and that Stargate was actually a device for interplanetary travel," Daniel explained.

"Interplanetary travel? You mean off Earth to someplace else?" the black Air Force Technical Sergeant with the nametag of Epps asked.

"That's correct, Sergeant," Daniel said cheerfully. "In fact we can go to thousands of different worlds and even into other universe using the Stargate."

The soldiers looked at each other however it was Sergeant Epps who summed it up when he moaned, "Oh that is so **not** good."

Before anyone had a chance to say anything Daniel said, "Actually it's a good thing! You see a number of the planets we've visited has had human life on it whose ancestors had come from Earth."

"And went through the Stargate to get there?" soldier with the nametag of Shehan asked.

"Well not necessarily," Daniel said. "You see there are other intelligent beings out there and some have spread the human race in order to preserve us and for other reasons."

"And the other reasons?" Captain Lennox asked wary.

"We will explain that in a moment, Captain," General Hammond said before Dr. Jackson could reply. "Dr. Jackson perhaps you could continue with introduction."

"Right… umm… In 1996 we were finally able to activate the Stargate and travel to a planet called Abydos, where we met some people who could trace their ancestry back to Ancient Egypt," Daniel explained excitedly. "Even after 5000 years the Abydonians still spoke and practice many things the way the Ancient Egyptians did such as the funerary rites."

"Daniel," Colonel O'Neill chastised as the doctor strayed from the topic at hand.

"In addition to meeting people who's ancestors came from Earth we have also met a number of non-Tau'ri races," Daniel explained'

"Tau'ri?" Corporal Mulderrig asked.

"It what our race, the humans from Earth are known as in the rest of the universe," Daniel explained.

"By everyone?" Epps asked.

Daniel nodded his head. "So far everyone we've met who know about Earth have called us Tau'ri."

Captain Lennox leaned forward in his chair. "And these other races, what can you tell us about them."

"Well we have regular contact with 4 races, actual 3 since the Tok'ra and the Goa'uld are the same race but with different philosophy about life and freedoms," Daniel explained as the picture behind him changed into that of a short grey alien with huge eyes. "And this," Daniel waved at the picture, "is an Asgaurd."

"Looks like a Roswell grey," one of the soldiers said to himself.

"And you're right, he is," Daniel said happily. "One of their ships crashed in Roswell in 1947. It turns out that the Asgaurd are responsible for transplanting people after the Stargate was closed."

"And what do the Asgaurd get out of all of this?" Captain Lennox asked.

"They kind of view us as their little brothers and sisters," O'Neill said.

"So they were protecting us from what?" Captain Lennox asked.

"From us mostly," Daniel explained. "On the planet Cimmeria, Thor, one of the Asgaurd we have regular contact with, had transplanted a community of Vikings who had been faced with starvation."

"Call me a cynic by no one ever does something like that without a reason behind it," Mulderrig said. "So what is? Are we a food source to them or something?"

"No," Daniel said as he shook his head. "They're hoping we'll evolve into another of the Great Races."

"The Great Races?" Epps asked.

Daniel nodded his head. "There was one 4 Great Races, the Ancient, Asgaurd, Nox and the Furling. Together they explored the universe and guided lesser races until they can evolve to join them."

"Since you didn't mention any of the other Great Races beside the Asgaurd I take it they don't approve of us or something happened to them," Lennox said.

"The Ancients were hit by a plague and was forced to evolve into a higher race, more energy than matter. They don't have much to do with anyone anymore. The Nox have withdrawn and keep mostly to themselves. They see us as violent children. And no one is really sure what happen to the Furlings but we believe the have left for another universe," Daniel explained.

"Some Great Races they are," Shehan grumbled. "One became high and mighty and turned their noses up at everyone. Another got their feelings hurt so they ran home crying and locked the door. And the last one moved away as fast as possible with no forwarding address or phone number."

"That's not what happened," Daniel protested.

Shehan snorted. "Sir, no offense but that's exactly what it sounds like happened. I've seen it before. Hell I'm one of them. I ran away to the military when I was old enough to escape my home town and it will take hell and high water before I go back there."

"Can't disagree with the man's logic," Colonel O'Neill said thoughtfully.

"Jack!" Daniel said in outrage. "You were there! You saw! You know it wasn't like that!"

Jack nodded his head, "I know that Daniel but I also know that he's right too."

"Just because they're a more advanced race doesn't mean they're a better one," Lennox said with a trace of wisdom.

"Even if they fight and squabble like children," Epps grumbled.

Captain Lennox shot Epps a look before turning back to Dr. Jackson. "So who're the bad guys?"

"They are known as the Gou'alds," Teal'c said from where he sat patiently through the briefing.

The eyes of the soldiers being briefed turned to Teal'c.

"How bad are they?" Lennox asked.

"They believe they are gods," Teal'c replied simply

"So the standard worship me or die routine," Corporal Mulderrig commented.

"Along with torture and mind control," O'Neill chimed in.

"I can assume since they don't seem to be ruling the universe they never read the Evil Overlord's List," Captain Lennox commented with a straight face.

Everyone stared at Lennox with expressions that went from confused to gobsmacked until Colonel O'Neill snorted and had a hard time trying to contain his laughter before giving in and starting to laugh.

Seeing his men's eyes Lennox shrugged his shoulders and said, "Bee."

With headshakes and eye rolls the soldiers turn back to the members of the SGC.

"So what else can you tell us about these Gou'alds?" Lennox asked.

"They're parasites that once they enter their host they attach themselves to the base of the brain stem and take over their host," Daniel explained as a picture of a Gou'ald with a scale to so that the could judge it's size appeared in the screen behind him.

Shehan was the first one to snicker as the soldiers tried to remain as emotionless as possible. Sgt. Epps had tears in his eyes as the corners of his mouth kept trying to curl up. Captain Lennox was biting his bottom as he too struggled not to laugh.

"Excuse me, sir," Shehan said hastily before ducking his head under the table and roared out laughing.

This unfortunately seemed to break the well of the other men except for Epps and Lennox who both seem to be trying to maintain they're composers.

"This is not a laughing matter," Hammond growled as the member of SGC stared at the soldiers in confusion.

"Night of the Creeps," Mulderrig said as an explanation before he too ducked under the table to roar with laughter.

Hammond turned his steely eyes onto Captain Lennox and said in a warning tone, "I would like an explanation, Captain."

Lennox snorts. "Sorry sir," he said as he struggles not to laugh. "They look like slugs."

"And what does their appearance have to do with the fact that you and your team seem to find this briefing so hilarious?" the tone of Hammond's voice warned those who worked for the SGC that he was running out of patience.

Lennox took a deep cleansing breath as he wiped his eyes. "A friend has a… strong dislike for slugs and had sworn me and some others to secrecy so that when we had a B movie night with my team and friends, I couldn't warn my wife not to play her favorite movie."

"Which was Night of the Creeps," O'Neill concluded.

"Yes, sir," Lennox replied.

"So because of that you find this humorous?" Hammond's tone of voice clearly indicated that he was far from pleased.

"Sir," Sgt. Epps said respectfully. "You need to understand that… Hide… well he's a really big guy who really loves his weapons. So it's a bit amusing to see him afraid of a tiny slug."

"I hardly see where a friend's phobia is a laughing matter," Major Carter commented.

"In all due respect, ma'am you need to meet Hide to understand," Shehan said as he and Mulderrig sat up in their chairs, wiping the tears of laugher from their faces.

"So how do you get these… slugs out once they're in someone?" Epps tried to defuse the situation.

"We can't," O'Neill said in disgust. "Some of our allies can if you can get a hold of them when you need them and if they feel like helping."

"Right avoided getting slug-ed as much as possible," Shehan said as he looked at the picture with disgust

"Snaked," O'Neill corrected. "They're more like snakes than slugs."

Shehan looked at the picture once again. "Looks more like a slug to me."

"Yeah… well unfortunately the Tok'ra would take offence at being called slugs even if it fits some of them better," O'Neill comment. "Beside they're pretty good jumpers when they want to be. Especially when they're trying to take you over as a host."

"So the Tok'ra are the same as the Gou'alds?" Captain Lennox asked.

"Physically they're the same species," Daniel explained, "however they differ ideas about life and freedoms. For example, while the Gou'alds have no problems taking anyone as a host the Tok'ra prefer to take a willing host."

"I'm assuming they have no problems taking an unwilling host when needed," Lennox committed

The members of SGC shifted uncomfortably while glancing slyly at Major Carter.

"We only know of one instance where they did. The one who did it was threatened by an assassin and his host was near death," Carter explained. "The Tok'ra was willing to leave the body as soon as a willing host was available but it died saving the host's life."

The soldiers were quick to pick up the uneasy glances that the members of SGC gave them and the way they seemed to react protectively toward Major Carter, that she must've been the host, though none of them commented on it.

"So this did… host suffer some side effects from what happened?" Lennox kept the question as generic as possible while watching Carter.

Carter shifted uncomfortably under Lennox's steely gaze.

"Just a few extra memories and other stuff," O'Neill said in a nonchalant manner.

Lennox leaned back in his seat with a nod of his head at O'Neill unspoken warning that this was a matter to be dropped.

"So if these Gou'alds believe they're gods then they must have worshippers. So who keeps the worshippers in line?" one of the soldiers who hadn't spoken yet asked.

"Jaffa," Teal'c answered.

"Jaffa?"

"Yeah," Colonel O'Neill said. "They're a genetically engineered race created by the Gou'alds to serves as bodyguards, warriors and… incubators"

"Incubators?"

At this question Teal'c stood up and pulled his shirt up to exposed the flap in his stomach. The head of a Gou'ald pushed it way out of the pouch and hiss at the soldiers.

The soldiers were out of their seats, their hands reaching for their missing weapons as they started at Teal'c and at his stomach.

"What the fuck!"

"And that's Junior," O'Neill said with a smirk.

"Okay that's just… wrong!" Epps exclaimed as he shivered in disgust as the Gou'ald withdrew into the pouch.

"Teal'c's symbiote is immature and doesn't present a security risk right now," Carter explained as she tried to ease their concern.

"Yeah that may be so but that… that thing is in his stomach," Mulderrig said as he pointed at Teal'c as he tucked his shirt back in. "That's just… wrong."

"Unfortunately the Jaffa need to Gou'alds to survive. It's how the Gou'alds control them," Daniel explained.

"Okay and you're on Earth, why?" Lennox asked as the men eased back to their seat carefully watching Teal'c the whole time.

"O'Neill offered me the opportunity to free my people from the Gou'alds," Teal'c replied.

"So you're a freedom fighter," Shehan said. "I can respect that. Don't like the slug but… you got to do what you do."

"Off world activation!"

"Perhaps you gentlemen would like to see the Stargate in action," General Hammond suggests as the blast shields slide away from the windows.

Lennox and his men rose from their chair and walked over to the window. They watched with wide eyes, as the ring seemed to erupt a blast of water before sucking it back to form a pool of water standing vertically.

"Looks like a toilet flushing in reverse," Epps commented.

"That's what I said," O'Neill commented.

"That was the energy vortex that formed when the wormhole is contented between the two gates," Major Carter explained.

"Still looks like a toilet throwing up," Mulderrig said. "Or maybe fishing with TNT."

"So what else does it do?" Lennox asked as they watched people and containers come out of the gate.

"What else?" Carter said in confusion.

"Yeah. Does it do anything else?" Epps asks.

"Gentlemen this device allows us to travel to other planets in an instant. I mean that pretty impressive," Carter stated in defense of the Stargate.

"So it doesn't change diapers?" Lennox asked with a touch of mischief in his voice.

"No. It doesn't change diapers," Carter said in outrage. "I don't think you understand the importance of this."

"Oh no we get it Major," Mulderrig said. "We're just not impressed."

"I give it 4 out of 10," Shehan said as he turned away from the window and walked back to his chair.

"Oh come on!" one of the soldiers said as he followed Shehan back to his seat. "It's at least a 7 for the ick factor."

"The ick factor? Please! Mulderrig had a greater ick factor last time he tried to cook," Shehan replied.

"**Hey**!" Mulderrig said in outrage.

"Hay is for horses, you know that," Shehan stated before turning back to the other soldier. "What we have here is the Star Trek - The Wrath of Khan, meets Aliens, meets Night of the Creeps with ET thrown in for the kiddies."

Hammond's face grew red as the soldiers dismissed all the work, blood, sweat and tears that have been shed for the good of Earth and the universe reducing it into movie references.

"I'm being to think they need some R&R," Lennox said thoughfully as he ignored the outraged expressions of the members of SGC.

"Tokyo Drift?" Epps suggested.

Lennox grinned at his friend. "In a semi?"

"You think the Big Guy would do it?" Epps asked.

"In a heartbeat. In heartbeat," Lennox replied with a smirk. "I swear he's more playful than Bee is someday."

"Gentlemen," Hammond snarled the word with disgust. "You might find this all fun and games but I can assure you it not. Men and women die everyday protecting our world from threats you don't know about."

The playful act of the soldiers fell away as they turned to General with a look of disgust.

"Tell me General, exactly why are we here?" Lennox demanded. "Because it seems damn obvious that you were never briefed about us."

"You and your team were recommended by Defense Secretary Keller," Colonel O'Neill stated. "He implied that your team would make a good addition to SGC and what we've seen of your records, he was right."

Lennox and his men looked at each other.

"Why in hell would he do that?" Mulderrig asked what they were all thinking.

Lennox turned and looked down upon the Stargate. "Project Back Door," Lennox said never noticing how Hammond and O'Neill stiffened at the name. "He wanted us to know how Sam could escape if he ever need to."

"He probably wanted us to meet the teams that would take him through it if he had to do a runner," Epps suggested.

"I think you need to started explaining, right now," General Hammond commanded.

"With all due respect, sir, if you haven't already been briefed on my unit and what we do then I can't tell you a thing," Lennox replied.

"Sir," Epps said as he looked back and before between his Captain and the General. "With how Keller arranged for us to learn about that." Epps nodded to the Stargate. "I would assume someone didn't want us to know about it either."

"What do you know a politician that not only knows how to use a shotgun but has a brain too," Mulderrig commented smugly.

"He did a stint in the military," Shehan said.

"Which branch?" Mulderrig asked.

"Marines," Shehan shook his head sadly.

"Shehan do you remember what happened the last time you insulted a Marine?" Lennox said.

"No, sir," Shehan replied, "but the doctor said amnesia is normal with head injuries."

"That boy will never learn," Epps shook his head sadly

Lennox sighed wearily before turning to the General and the other members of SGC. "So do you like steak?"

"Excuse me?" Hammond sputtered at this sudden change in topics.

"Steaks. We meet once a month for a movie night. Some steaks on the grill. Cold beers," Lennox explained. "When's the next one?" Lennox turned and asked Epps.

"Not this Saturday but the following one," Epps replied.

"And it's 'attack of the killer whatever from wherever'," Shehan chimed in.

"No that was last month," Mulderrig corrected. "We had an Attack of the Killer Tomatoes marathon. 4 movies and over 6 hours of it."

"Ohhhh," Shehan said. "I was drunk wasn't I?"

"We were all drunk," Lennox said as he rubbed his head at the memory.

"I thought there were only 3 movies," O'Neill said. "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. The Return and Strikes Back."

"Killer Tomatoes Eat France."

"Oh," There was a slight gleam in O'Neill's eyes.

"No. No Jack," Daniel said "Just… no."

Jack shrugged his shoulders with a knowing smirk on his face. "So what should we bring?"

"No coleslaw!" a voice called out. "Coleslaw bad! Evil!"

"Yeah coleslaw is not a good idea," Mulderrig chimed in. "That chocolate pudding stuff is good."

"Beer is good," Shehan suggested. "No hard liquor. Sarah would be pissed."

"Sarah's my wife," Lennox said as he noticed the questioning look. "Like they said beer is good."

"So what flavor pie do you want?" Jack asked gleefully.


	2. Chapter 2

**Title:** Better Than A Backward Flushing Toilet

**Author:** Lady FoxFire

**Pairing(s):** None

**Rating:** PG-13

**Setting:** During season 5 of StarGate SG-1. Set in my 'If Things Had Been Different' series

**Warning:** None

**Category(s):** Crossover

**Summary:** Take one group of space explorer-alien fighters mix with another group of alien fighter. Stir well and then sit back and wait.

**Disclaimer**: I'm going to the easy win tonight instead of taking the chance and going for the million… I do not own the StarGate SG-1 series or the Transformers series nor do I make any money from this fic. And if you didn't understand this disclaimer it's because my son has driven me insane and my Muse has ran off with my plot bunnies.

**Bad Author Notes:** The time line has been adjust so that the Transformers movie happen sometime at the beginning or during season 5 of StarGate SG-1.

Yes this is crack.

* * *

A dark blue SUV drove down the nicely paved road to the isolated farmhouse. The SUV turned onto the driveway and came to stop next to a yellow Camaro with black racing strips.

The doors of the SUV opened and the passengers exited the vehicle.

"Nice place," Colonel O'Neill said as he slipped on his sunglasses. "Nice. Quiet. Very isolated."

"I'm surprised that the road was paved this far out," Daniel commented. "It must have cost them a fortune to have it done."

"Why would the road not have been paved?" Teal'c asked.

"It's too expensive for the number of people living out here," Carter explained. "At the very least the road should be gravel or tarred and chipped instead of being paved."

"Can I help you?" a voice of a woman came from the house. On the porch of the house stood a woman with long blond hair.

"Is this the Lennox's residence?" O'Neill said with his most charming and innocent smile.

The woman nodded her head. "It is, she replied simply.

"Captain Lennox invited us. We're here for the movie night," Jack explained.

"Oh I'm sorry," the woman said as she came down off the porch. "I wasn't expecting you so soon. I'm Sarah Lennox, Will's wife."

"Jack," Colonel O'Neill said with a nod of this head before pointing out his teammates. "That's Daniel, Carter and Murray."

"Will had to run and get more lighter fluid or he would be here to great you himself," Sarah explained.

"That's not a problem," Jack replied. "We brought some goodies and beer."

"Well then we should bring them into the house," Sarah replied. "Anything that needs refrigerated?"

"A couple of the pies should be and the beer," Daniel supplied as he pulled a cardboard box from the back of the SUV.

"That's fine," Sarah turned around and led them back to the house. "I'm sure we'll be able to find room for them in the frig."

"I am curious SarahLennox," Murray a.k.a. Teal'c said as he carried two cases of beer. "Why did CaptainLennox and his unit insist that we do not bring hard liquor?"

"Because hard liquor is for mourning," Sarah said simply.

"Okay," Jack said in the tone that said that he didn't get it but as long as you understood it then that was fine.

"My father taught me that beer is for get togethers. Wine is for romance. Champagne is for celebration and hard liquor is for mourning," Sarah explained as she held open the screen door.

Jack froze in front of the door as he thought about what Sarah had just said. He turned and looked at her and then in an almost surprised tone of voice said, "You know that actually makes sense!"

Sarah chuckled lightly as she followed Jack into the house. "This way to the kitchen," she said as she led them deeper into the house. "The bathroom is the first door on the left, if anyone needs it." She pointed out as they walked into the kitchen.

They walked into a kitchen that would make any chef proud. It had a 6 burner stove and a huge refrigerator.

"Nice kitchen," Jack commented as he looked around.

"Thank you," Sarah opened the refrigerator and started to take things from Daniel and put them in. "We had to remodel it recently since Will's team tend to like using the house as their meeting spot."

"They meet here often?" Daniel asked as he placed the empty cardboard box on the floor next to the trash can.

Sarah nodded her head as she placed the beer in the frig. "They like my spaghetti."

"Well you know what they say, the Army lives on their stomach," Jack said teasingly.

Sarah looked over at Jack with a smug look on her face. "Then that must mean that the Air Force are bottomless pits if Epps is any example of the Air Force's best."

"She has a point," Daniel said teasingly. "After all I've seen how you've gone after blue Jell-O, Jack."

Jack turned on Daniel, "Whose side are you on, Daniel?"

Daniel tapped his chin thoughtfully before looking over at Sarah who was busily cutting up some boiled red skin potatoes. "Is that German potato salad?"

Sarah nodded her head. "Its Will's favorite."

Daniel pointed his finger at Sarah. "Her side. I love German potato salad."

Jack cross his arms over his chest. "Well we now know what it will take for you to turn traitor," he said with a huff.

Sarah giggled softly. "So what is it like to travel to other worlds?"

The member of SG-1 stared at Sarah in shock. "What do you mean?" Daniel said cautiously.

"To go through the Stargate," Sarah explained. "I can only image how alien some of the worlds must seem compared to Earth."

"Why would you think that we've been to other planets," Daniel asked.

"Hide told me," Sarah replied simply as she busily prepared items to be cooked.

"Hide?" Jack shared a look with his team.

"Ironhide," Sarah answered. "When the team received the orders to report to your base, he hacked into your computers to see what it was about."

"That's impossible," Carter stated.

Sarah looked up from her work in confusion. "What is?" she said.

"Hacking into our computers," Carter said with confidence.

Sarah looked at Carter in confusion. "But Hide did it. He said it was easy."

Carter sputtered in outrage.

Sarah looked at Carter in pity. "No one has explained Hide and the others to you yet, have they?" she asked.

Daniel shook his head. "No. Perhaps you could?" he said.

An evil smile appeared on Sarah's face. "Nope. You really can't explain them, they have to be experienced."

"And who exactly are they?" Jack demanded.

"SARAH! YOUR HUSBAND IS A DEAD MAN!" came from outside of the house.

Sarah Lennox hurried towards the backdoor as the howls of a baby could be heard. "What happened?" she said as she opened the door.

"He feed her chili again!" the voice of a young man said over the child's howls.

"Oh my poor baby," Sarah cooed.

"I got her," the voice said. "Just open the door and start the tub. It's already all over me and her. No use getting it on you too."

The member of SG-1 pulled back in a grimace as the smell finally hit them.

"Oh what is that smell?" Carter demanded as she covered her nose with her hand.

"What happens when you feed Annabelle chili," said a young man carrying a howling little girl in his arms.

The young man walked past Sarah the crying child still in his arms.

"Umm could someone…" Sarah looked over at the stove where she had something cooking.

"Do we need to do anything?" Jack asked as he walked into the kitchen.

"Stir the noodles and make sure the potatoes don't boil over," Sarah replied as she hurried out of the room.

"Well that was interesting," Jack commented as the sound of running water being could be heard.

"Indeed," Murray a.k.a. Teal'c said. "I found the tattoos the young man was wearing to be most interesting."

Jack, Daniel and Carter shared a look. "Interesting as something we should be concerned about or just interesting?" Jack asked

"No," Teal'c replied simply. "Well I have seen on the television how your people sometimes cover themselves in such skin art before I have never meet one in person."

"Yeah but they're normally one big tattoo like that lizard guy or a collections of them that some type of story," Jack said. "Never seen one like the kid's before."

"Maybe he's not done," Daniel suggested. "They do say tattoo is a life time commitment."

Jack shrugged his shoulders as he stirred the noodles.

It was the faint smell from earlier that alerted the SG-1 team that either Sarah or the young man was returning.

The young man, his hair damp from his shower, walking into the kitchen with what could only be his and the baby's clothes wrapped into towels.

"Will's a dead man," he growled softly as he walked past without acknowledging them and entering a small room off of the kitchen in which a washer and dryer could be seen.

The team looked at each other questioningly.

"It seems Celtic in design," Daniel offered.

The team settled in as they waited for Sarah's return while watching the laundry room for the young man. Finally after they heard the washer start the young man appeared in the doorway.

"Sarah has a 12 inch cast iron skillet, a rolling pin, a Louisville Slugger and 100 acres," the young man pronounced.

"Okay," Jack said slowly as he nodded his head.

"Just so we're at an understanding," the young man walked over to the stove and checked the food.

"What is a Louisville Slugger?" Teal'c asked.

"A baseball bat," Carter asked. "You do know we were invited?"

"And we brought pies and beer," Jack added with a boyish grin.

The young man looked at Carter than at Jack. "I'm not allowed beer," he turned off the heat underneath the noodles before taking them over to the sink to drain.

"To young huh," Jack said as he watched the young man work.

"Doctor's orders," the young man replied.

Jack's eyes narrowed as he studied the young man before him. His eyes widened as he realized something. "Those… those aren't tattoos, are they?"

"No," the young man said softly.

Carter perked up with interest. "Some type of cybernetics?" she said as her eyes roamed over the young man's body studying like he was an interesting puzzle she walked to dissect and solve.

"Carter," Jack said in a warning tone of voice as the young man hugged himself in a comforting way as he edged away from her.

Before Carter could say anything a naked Annabelle ran into the room giggling as only a naked child can. Finding strangers in her home she stared at them before running over to the young man and grabbing his leg while sucking on her thumb.

Looking down at the child they young man said, "You're nakey," he said as he knelt down and picked the child up. "What happened to your clothes?" he asked her.

"She escaped," Sarah Lennox pronounced as she walked into the kitchen while wearing a different outfit.

"She gave you a bath too?" Jack said fondly.

Sarah sighed. "Part of the joys of being a parent," she said. "Sam would you please get her dressed."

Carter looked at Sarah in confusion before the young man said, "Of course. Come on little princess, we need to get you dressed before you freeze your little butt off."

Jack waited until the young man, Sam had carried the baby off and up the stairs before turning to Sarah and softly said, "What happened to him?"

Sarah looked over at Jack then in the direction Sam had carried her daughter. "He saved us all," she said simply.

"The conquering knight has returned with the dragon fire, your Highness," Captain William 'Will' Lennox announced as he strolled into the kitchen carrying a plastic bag as Sgt. Robert Epps following behind him.

"You do realize that you're embarrassing," Epps said with a shake of his head.

Will nod his head with a smile. "Practice for when Annabelle's older," he said before turning his attention to those in the room. "Colonel. I'm glad to see you and your team were able to come."

Jack grin back at Captain Lennox. "Glad to be here," he said. "It's been real interesting so far, you could say a real eye opener," Jack glanced over at Daniel. "And the discovery of a new non toxic, non lethal weapons will make R&D day."

"Huh?" Will and Epps looked at Jack in confusion before they turned to Sarah for an answer.

"Will," Epps said cautiously as he stared at Sarah, "whatever you did I would start apologizing right now."

"You feed her chili," Sarah said stressing each word.

"You feed her chili!" Epps said as he turned on his friend and Captain.

"She was hungry," Will replied with a shrug of his shoulders. Turning to his wife, Will walked over to her and took her hand. "Sarah, my Warrior Queen, my Goddess," he said as he looked into her eyes, "Please forgive this knave." Will dropped to one knee. "I was feeding the little Princess some cereal while having some of my chili when she began to demand some." Will took a deep breath as he continued his confession. "And as with you, I have not the heart to deny her anything she wishes. I will accept any punishment you feel you need inflict upon me."

"Damn! He's good," Jack exclaimed.

Sarah shot Jack a look before turning her attention back to her husband who was looking up at her with love in his eyes. With a weary sigh Sarah said, "Just don't do that again."

"Didn't you say that last time," Epps pointed out to Sarah.

"Robert!" Sarah growled.

"Yes ma'am. I'm shutting up, ma'am," Epps said as he came to attention.

"Go light the grill," Sarah said as she dismissed them.

"Thank you, your Highness," Will stood up and kissed Sarah gently of the lips.

"You're not off the hook yet, William," Sarah said. "Next time I'll save that diaper for you."

"Yes, dear," Will said as he ducked his head like a little boy who just escaped punishment. "Come on Epps. There's a grill to light."

As Captain Lennox practically bounced out the back door with the bag in hand, Epps turned to Sarah as said in a whining tone of voice, "Sarah?"

"It's in the same place as last time, Robert," she answered without looking up at him.

Epps sighed dejectedly. "Okay," he went into the laundry room and dragged out two large fire extinguishers. "Could use some help with these," he looked hopefully at the members of the SG-1.

Jack shrugged his shoulder. "Alright," he grabbed one of the extinguishers.

"Sam," Sarah hollowed, "Will's going to light the grill."

"Will be right out," Sam shouted back.

As the SGC team followed Sgt. Epps outside they could see Captain Lennox spraying lighter fluid into a huge barrel style grill with an almost manic grin on his face. Setting the fire extinguishers on the ground they watched as Lennox emptied one container of lighter fluid before fishing another one out of the plastic bag he had.

"You're too close," Sam said as he walked past them carrying little Annabelle with him.

Epps sighed. "He's right. You better follow him," he said.

"What about you?" Daniel asked as he noticed that Epps wasn't following.

Epps shrugged his shoulders. "I'm an old hand at this. I'll survive."

"Captain Lennox?" Jack called out.

"Yes, sir?' Will asked with a grin.

"I think that enough lighter fluid," Jack said.

Lennox looked at the grill, then at the lighter fluid in his hand. Giving the container a gentle shake, he declared, "Nope. Still half full." And with that he turned back to spraying the liquid on the grill.

Jack look back at Epps who shrugged his shoulders in a silent reply.

"He's not right in the head is he?" Jack asked as she stopped next to Sam and Annabelle as the watched Lennox.

"Will or Robert?" Sam asked.

"Will… Both of them," Jack said with a shrug of his shoulder.

Sam watched Will for a moment before saying, "Everyone's a little insane especially with the stuff we deal with."

Will finally emptied the last container. Tossing it aside he shouts "**FIRE IN THE HOLE!**"

Sam turned around and crouched down, shielding the small child with his body.

"**FIRE IN THE HOLE!**"

Epps laid down near the extinguishers, his hand covering his head.

"**FIRE IN THE HOLE!**"

The heavy backdoor got slammed shut.

The SG-1 team realized what was happening and dove for the ground as Captain Lennox lit a match and threw it in as he too dove for the ground.

A huge fireball filled the air as the lighter fluid caught fire.

"I don't think I used enough lighter fluid," Will stated as he climbed to his feet. "It was only a 7… 7.5 maybe."

"I'm alive. The grill is lit. The house is not on fire therefore it a 10," Epps said from where he laid on the ground.

"What the hell was that!" Jack demanded after checking on his team, Sam and the little girl.

"I was lighting the grill," Will replied, confusion evident in his voice.

"Where in hell did you learn to light a grill like that?" Jack demanded.

"My first Sergeant after I was commissioned," Lennox replied. "He said that any fire you make while not in enemy territory should always be big." Will looked up at where the fireball had been in the sky. "He would be a bit disappointed with this one."

Jack opened his mouth to reply only to snap it shut after a moment. "I need a beer," he declared marching off for the house.

"Bring me one," Epps called out from his spot on the ground.

With a nod of his head, Jack walked towards the house. Once inside he looked at Sarah Lennox and stated in a firm tone of voice, "Your husband is crazy."

"Of course he is," Sarah replied. "If he was normal I would never have married him. Normal people are scary."

"Okay," Jack said slowly as he nodded his head.

Sarah chuckled softly. "Think about it. What do they always say about the guy who suddenly flips out and murders his entire family… he was a nice **normal** guy. Never said a bad word to anyone."

"So you started with crazy one, so you won't have to worry about him flipping out and killing everyone," Jack replied.

"That and Will's really great in bed," Sarah replied with a smile.

Jack mouth snapped shut. "Okaaaaayyyyyy. I'm just going to get a couple beers and get out of your hair," he said as he opened the refrigerator to get the beers.

"Get one for Will too, please," Sarah asked. "I'm sure he's thirsty after lighting the grill."

With a nod of his head, Jack grabbed a sixth bottle before shutting the frig door and escaping outside.

"You're wife has some interesting view," Jack said as he offered Lennox a bottle while the others collected their from Jack.

"That's why I married her," Will said as he cracked open his bottle and took a drink. "Not too many women I know would marry a career soldier. And then when you add in all the crap we deal with… She not only accepted it but she was willing to put not only herself into more danger but also our daughter." Will looked over to where Sam was pushing his baby girl on the swings. "She always believed that it's better to do what's right instead of what's easy."

The members of SG-1 looked over at Sam for a moment before turning back to Captain Lennox and Sgt. Epps.

"Is that why the kid is here?" Jack asked. "Your jacket didn't mention any siblings."

"Sam's pretty much been adopted by the whole team," Epps explained. "He might not be military but he's a brother. One we'll protect no matter what."

"Yeah I know how that is," Jack said as he glanced over at Daniel.

"I'm curious about what happened to him," Carter said. "Who created his cybernetics? I haven't heard of anything so advanced, let alone anyone in any testing stage."

"Carter," Jack said with a warning tone of voice.

Carter started to spout out technical jargon about cybernetics, its advances and disadvantages and the difficulties in perfecting it. Of course everyone in the groups except for Carter herself understood anything she was saying.

"It isn't cybernetics," Lennox interrupted.

Carter looked at him in confusion. "Then what is it?"

Will shrugged his shoulders, "The Allspark."

"What's the Allspark?" Daniel asked.

"For lack of a better term," Epps said. "God or a God."

"No. The Allspark is the source of all life. Not a God," Will corrected.

"If you're the source of all life wouldn't that make you a God?" Epps asked.

"That's what I argued with Hide but it doesn't," Will explained. "Primus is a God and… I think the Allspark is a device of Primus? I don't know. I spent 3 hours talking to Hide about this and all I got was a headache from it."

"Okay," Jack said slowly. "So the Allspark is the source of all life and Sam," Jack turned to look at the young man pushing the swing, "is the Allspark."

"That's about right," Lennox said as Epps nodded his head.

"So Sam's not from around here," Jack said as he turned his attention back to the two soldiers.

"Nevada."

"California."

"No, Sam is from Nevada," Epps stated. "Tranquility is on the boarder of Nevada and California and Sam is from the Nevada side."

"Are you sure?" Will asked in disbelief.

Epps gave Will a look. "Who are you going to believe? Me or minimum wage flunky who program the GPS system to have you turn left and drive ahead down a boat launch."

"Good point," Will said before turning back to SG-1. "Sam's from Nevada."

"You know I'm sure there a pretty interesting story there," Jack said as he eyes the two younger men.

"Fascinating."

"Terrifying."

"Exhilarating."

"Inspiring."

The two soldiers went through the list of adjectives out like they had rehearsed it.

"It's just too bad we can't tell you any of it," Lennox replied with an amusing expression on his face. "After all it's classified."

The member of SG-1 stared at the two men in confusion.

"Then why in hell did you have us come here!" Jack blurted out.

Lennox and Epps looked at each other then back at SG-1.

"Even though we can't tell you without permission, the Big Guy can," Epps explained.

"And who is the Big Guy or can't you tell me that," Jack growled.

The two battle harden soldiers squirmed under Colonel Jack O'Neill formable stare.

"Well, sir…" Captain Lennox started to say before trailing off into nothing.

"It's just easy to meet the Big Guy than trying to explain it all," Technical Sergeant Epps jumped in with an explanation.

"And when will that be?" O'Neill growled.

The men both shrugged their shoulders. "Soon," Lennox replied. "I mean the Big Guy and his team really do enjoy movie night and since most of his team already here I would expect him to show up shortly."

"But no one's here," Daniel said as he looked around. "I mean aside from your wife and daughter and Sam. They're no one here."

"Oh they're here," Epps said. "They're just more than meets the eye. Wouldn't be surprised if you're walked right past them a couple of times or even commented on them."

"Hey! Is it safe?" A voice called out from around the house.

"Yeah," Epps shouted back. "Our fearless yet stupid leader has tamed the fire breathing dragon."

The soldiers that had been with Lennox and Epps at military base in Qatar, came around the house, each of them carry some type of dish and beer.

"I think you been hanging out with the Captain too much Epps," one of the soldier said. "You're starting to act like him."

"Well you know that they claim that insanity is a community disease," Epps replied.

"Hey I will have you know I'm just as insane as the rest of you," Lennox said in his defense.

"I believe you meant to say that you are just as sane as they rest of your team CaptainLennox," Teal'c commented.

Lennox looked directly at Teal'c and replied, "You don't know my team. They're insane."

Teal'c raise a single eyebrow at Lennox comment. "Indeed," he replied.

"Any word on when the Big Guy will be here?" Lennox asked his teammates.

"Doc Hatchet was grumbling about how the Big Guy and him were stuck behind old Lady McMurty once again and that she was doing 20 miles/hr under the speed limit," Mulderrig stated. "They should be here shortly

"Great," Will said as he sighed in frustration. "So he's not going to be in the best of moods when he gets here."

"And you fed your daughter chili," Epps commented with a smirk. "What do you want to bet that the doc wants to do some anal probing as revenge for your daughter?"

"You fed her chili!"

"It's not like I can tell her no!" Lennox cried in his defense. "My job is to give my little girl everything she wants and have a shot gun ready for any boys that want to date her."

"Got a spot for the bodies?" Epps asked.

"Your oldest is how old?" Lennox asked

"Old enough," Epps growled.

"Right," Lennox nodded his head. "If you would excuse us. This should only take a moment."

The two fathers of young girls wandered off in a direction away from the house while the rest of Lennox's team wandered in and out of the house; gave SG-1 a respectful nod of their heads while talking to their teammates.

"I'm starting to wonder if I'm Alice and if I'm hunting a white rabbit," Jack commented to himself as he finished off his beer.

"I do not understand the reference, O'Neill," Teal'c said calmly.

"I believe the Colonel is referring to Alice in Wonderland," Carter explained, "which is a children's book in which a young girl travels into a fantasy land."

"Then this must be The Mad Hatter's Tea Party," Daniel commented. "Does anyone else get a bad feeling when they were talking about Doc Hatchet? For some reason I have a feeling it's not his real name."

"Because it's not. It's Ratchet," Sam seemed to suddenly appear behind them with Lennox's daughter in his arms, "but everyone calls him Hatchet… just never to his face."

"So he has a great bedside personality?" Jack asked.

Sam shrugged his shoulders. "He's been known to throw things at his patients when they've done something stupid and gets injured."

"Better hope that Janet never starts doing that huh Jack," Daniel teased.

"And give up the big honking needles she wields… Can't see it happening," Jack said. "She just loves to needle us so much."

"You appear to be uncomfortable around us," Teal'c said as he notice how the younger man seems to clutch at the child as if she was a shield.

Sam looked at Teal'c and the rest of the SG-1 team with eyes much older than his young body. "It's because you are outsiders," he replied.

"I understand," Daniel said soothingly. "This is all new to us and we're trying to understand it all. Captain Lennox and Sgt. Epps said that you were the Allspark and to be completely honest we're all confused."

Sam looked at Daniel with a curious expression. "You're scared of me. Is it because Epps said I was a god?"

Jack shrugged his shoulders. "We haven't had much luck with people who claim to be a god or any type of power," he explained honestly instead of using his usual brand of snarky sarcasm to defuse or inflame the situation.

"That's because you haven't meet the real thing," Sam said as his eyes began to glow and as he raised one hand up so that they could lightening crackled around his fingers, "until now."

Annabelle laughed and clapped her hands at Sam's display while safe in his other arm.

"You like that don't you," Sam cooed at the little girl. "It's almost as good as Ironhide's canons isn't it? But they make a pretty noise huh?"

"Canons?" Jack said with dread.

"Big ones," Sam said with a smirk. "Which I'm sure Hide would love to introduce you to in a few minutes since Prime is here."

"Prime?" Carter said.

"The Big Guy," Sam replied as he nods his head to a blue semi truck with red flames painted on it that was coming down the lane towards the house. It was followed by a yellow hummer."

"The Big Guy drives a semi?" Jack said in a confused yet impressed voice.

"Not exactly," Sam said smugly.

Those gathered in the back yard watched as a black GMC Topkick truck pulled into the back yard, followed by a yellow Camaro and a silver Pontiac Solstice.

"Jack," Daniel said nervously. "No one's driving those cars."

The semi truck and hummer pulled into the back yard next. The vehicles sat there, with no one behind the wheels, facing the people in the backyard as if watching them.

"I don't have a good feeling about this," Jack said softly as the soldiers they had tried to recruit seem to be paying attention to the vehicles, waiting for something to happen.

Sudden a series of whirls, clicks and clanks came from the vehicles, as they seem to fall apart and reassemble at the same time.

Carter was staring wide eyed as she tried to puzzle out what was happened and how it was being done.

Daniel's bottle of beer slipped from his fingers as he stared with wide eyes at the beings who were forming before them.

In the vehicles place stood 5 humanoid mechanical beings

Jack took and involuntary step back only to bump into Captain Lennox. Will steadied the older man and with a smirk said, "Better than a backward flushing toilet, huh?"


	3. Chapter 3

**Title:** Better Than A Backward Flushing Toilet

**Author:** Lady FoxFire

**Pairing(s):** None

**Rating:** PG-13

**Setting:** During season 5 of StarGate SG-1. Set in my 'If Things Had Been Different' series

**Warning:** None

**Category(s):** Crossover

**Summary:** Take one group of space explorer-alien fighters mix with another group of alien fighter. Stir well and then sit back and wait.

**Disclaimer**: I'm going to the easy win tonight instead of taking the chance and going for the million… I do not own the StarGate SG-1 series or the Transformers series nor do I make any money from this fic. And if you didn't understand this disclaimer it's because my son has driven me insane and my Muse has ran off with my plot bunnies.

**Bad Author Notes:** The time line has been adjust so that the Transformers movie happen sometime at the beginning or during season 5 of StarGate SG-1.

Yes this is crack.

* * *

Captain Lennox's daughter ran over the huge black robot, her arms up in the air, her hands opening and closing repetitively. "Up! Up!" she shouted

Jack started to move in the girl's direction as the black robot started to move to towards the girl only to be stop by Captain Lennox.

"It's alright," Lennox replied to O'Neill expression of worry and confusion.

By this time the black robot had gently scooped the small child up and raised it's hand up so that she was cupped against his chest.

"Hello, Little Princess," the black robot said in a deep voice as the other watched it and the little girl.

"Kissies! Hid kissies!" the little girl exclaimed before making the universal sound all young children make to signify kisses.

The black robot chuckled as he raised it's hand towards it's face so that Annabelle could kiss it as it made a kissing noise in return. "Thank you for the kiss, little one," The robot lowered its arm so that the girl was now level with it's chest.

"Ime kissies," the girl said as she held out her arms to the biggest of all the robots.

"I would love a kissie, little Princess," the big red and blue robot bent down as the black robot raised its hand up until the little girl was able to kiss the robot's face. Standing straight up again the robot said, "Thank you Annabelle," as it gently petted the little girl on the head with a single finger.

"Hand her over, Ironhide," Sarah Lennox demanded. "It's almost dinner time and she probably needs her hands washed."

"Of course, your Majesty," Ironhide, the huge black robot said as he lowered his hand so that Annabelle's mother could retrieve her daughter. "I believe she needs a diaper changed also."

"I figured on that," Sarah replied as she swung her child so that the girl was on her hip. "How was your trip, Optimus?"

"Fairly uneventful, your Highness," the red and blue robot replied with a small bow towards the woman. "There was a small delay due to a tornado but from what I can ascertain no one was harm from it."

"You weren't in any danger, were you, Optimus?" Sarah asked, her concern for the big robot was evident in her voice.

"I was in no danger, Sarah. Thank you for your concern," the robot said.

The robot that had been the yellow Hummer snorted, "It won't have been the first time that he's gone on a ride in one of those things. Seem to remember banging out dings in his frame more than once."

The little yellow robot suddenly played, "Another one bites the dust. Another one bites the dust. And another one gone, and another one gone. Another one bites the dust."

"Dude! Queen?" one of Captain Lennox's men, exclaimed. "I've would have gone with 'Over the Rainbow' from the Wizard of Oz."

"No way!" another one of the soldiers chimed in. "Kansas, 'Dust in the Wind'. Dust in the wind. All we are is dust in the wind."

"You're all wrong," The silver robot exclaimed. "Dead or Alive. 'You Spin Me Around.' You spin me right round, baby. Right round like a record, baby. Right round round round."

Captian Lennox sighed wearily. "Welcome to our lives," he mumbled to the member of SG-1. "He should have played something from the movie Twister."

Jack looked down at the bottle in his hand then up at the giant robots then over at the soldiers and robot debating over songs. "Either I've had too much to drink or not enough."

"Not enough," Sgt. Epps replied. "There is never enough. You just learn to deal with it."

"Amen to that brother. Amen to that," Lennox said.

"Umm…" Daniel pointed to the robots. "Ahhh…." He now pointed at Lennox and Epps. "Explanation?" Daniel now had his arms cross before him; one hand pointed at the robots and the other at Lennox.

"Right," Will said before letting out a high pitch whistle. "Yo! We forgot to do introductions. Colonel O'Neill, allow me to introduce the Autobots of the planet Cybertron. Leader of the Autobots, Optimus Prime," Will pointed at the red and blue robot. "Weapon master, Ironhide," this time he pointed at the black robot. "Medic and general mother type figure, Ratchet."

"Mother type!" the yellow robot, Ratchet protested in outrage. "I am not some mother type figure! Ironhide is more like that than I am!"

"Noooo," Will drew the word out. "Ironhide is more like an overprotective father figure. You're more of a mother type figure who is patching her child up while scolding them. 'What were you thinking? Where you even thinking?"

"The man has you pegged, Ratchet," the silver robot said smugly.

"And to keep this moving," Lennox hurriedly pointed at the silver robot. "That's Jazz our current member of the walking dead and Bumblebee." Lennox pointed at the yellow robot that had earlier played the music. "And of course you meet Sam."

"Hey," Sam said from where he sat on the picnic bench with a wave of his hand.

"You're a…" Carter said as she pointed at the Autobot, "one of them?"

"Hmmm… not exactly," Sam replied. "More like their dad… and mom. Just a lot younger than they are."

"And over here on the human side," Will said as he spun around and started to point at the members of SG-1. "We have Colonel Jack O'Neill. Major Carter. Dr. Jackson and Teal'c. Okay, everyone knows each other now and the grill is ready, so I'm going to slap some steaks on the barbie."

"Is it me or does the Captain seems a little unsettled?" Ratchet said as he watched the Army Captain flee inside.

"He fed the Princess chili," Bumblebee said, "again."

Ratchet let out what sounded like a growl mixed with a sigh of frustration. "I've told him not to feed her his chili! Her system is immature and unable to handle such foods." Ratchet shook his head. "Humans are such fragile creatures. I don't understand his reasoning on feeding her that substance!"

"For the same reason you allowed Ironhide to hold her against his chest when she was teething," Sarah commented.

"It seems to calm her and help her through the emergence of her first set of teeth," Ratchet explained.

"And so would a frozen Eggo," Sarah replied.

"Do you know what is in those things!" Ratchet exclaimed in outrage.

Prime sighed wearily. "Colonel O'Neill, perhaps you and your men wish to speak off to the side?" he said as he looked between his men and some of Lennox men debating over music and his medical officer arguing with Sarah Lennox while Ironhide looked on.

Jack looked over at the group that was arguing over music then over to the group with the child only to see Sgt. Epps steal the child away from her mother as the debate between the mother and the big yellow robot heated up. "Yeah," he said slowly. "That might be a good idea."

Optimus took a few steps away from the house causing the SG-1 team to hurry after him with Sam trailing behind.

Spying the young man in the corner of his eye, Jack giving him a questioning look.

"You thinking you're I'm staying behind to listen to that you're crazy," Sam replied to Jack's unspoken question. "Besides this concerns me."

Optimus sat down on the ground, sitting Indian style, so he was only a story and a half instead of 3 stories tall. Sam heaved himself up on to Prime's leg as if he was a small child sitting on a retaining wall.

Colonel O'Neill looked at Sam then up at Optimus Prime and then shook his head to dispel whatever image was running through his head.

"So I would say it's safe to say you're not from Japan," Jack rocked back and forth on the balls of his feet.

"No. My people come the world which in your language would be called Cybertron," Optimus replied.

"Did the Ancients… the Alterrans create you," Carter asked as she studied the being in front of her.

"No," Optimus replied. "I know of the race you speak of and my people, my race was old when they first emerged."

"So you're the Ancient Ancients," Jack chimed in.

"Did you have any contact with them?" Daniel asked. "Or maybe with the Asgaurd, the Nox or the Furlings? Are you familiar with the Stargates, the doorway to heaven and how we're using them to explore the universe? Does you people have a written language? I've come across a number of languages I haven't been able to translate and was thinking that perhaps one of them is your or maybe you know one of them?"

"He babbles more than Annabelle," Sam said with a chuckle. "Except we can understand most of what he says."

"Samuel," Prime gently chastised the boy on his leg.

Sam turned and looked up at Optimus. "I'm just saying he does."

"Diplomacy, Samuel," Optimus sighed.

"I haven't gotten to that lesson yet, Optimus," Sam replied. "Still working on evasion and escape."

"Evasion and escape?" Jack asked.

Sam shrugged his shoulder. "What can I say, everyone wants me."

"Must be pretty popular with the ladies," Jack said teasingly.

"Yeap, I'm a chick magnet," Sam said smugly. "All the women in my life either want to feed me or have me read them a story."

"That's better than what Daniel attracts," Jack commented. "His either want to marry him or kill him."

Daniel turned and gave Jack a disgusted look. "I'm not that bad," he countered.

"Oh really," Jack drawled. "Hathor. Osiris."

"Anise and Kynthia," Daniel snapped back.

"Like I would touch Anise with a 20 foot pole," Jack replied with a snort. "And Kynthia was a sweet kid in an adult body but she was still a kid. Ke'ra. Sarah."

Still perched on Optimus' knee, Sam leaned towards Carter and Teal'c and in a stage whisper said, "Are they… you know… together."

Daniel and Jack stopped their playful squabbling and turned towards Sam. "No," Jack said as he drew out the one word. "We are not together."

Sam shrugged his shoulders innocently. "Well given how you two were fighting I thought you might be together just keeping it secret because of the military's stupid fear."

"I do not understand why human fear the union of two beings of the same sex," Optimus said.

Sam turned so that he could look up at Prime. "I think it's because they fear being the bottom and enjoying it."

Prime shook his head. "Why would they fear enjoying sex?"

"I'll explain it when you're older," Sam replied, patting Prime's knee. "Or hey you could ask Jack here. I'm sure he's given the talk once or twice before."

Jack eyed Sam wearily. "There's something in the beer right? And I'm just imaging you saying that I'll explain sex to a 3 story alien robot."

Sam smiled smugly. "Nothing in the beer and I did."

Jack looked at Sam then up at Optimus then back to Sam. "When he's older?"

"Around the time the little Princess is old enough to need the talk," Sam explained.

"Works for me," Jack replied.

"If I may ask Sam, why do you call the daughter of CaptainLennox princess and why does OptimusPrime call SarahLennox Highness? From my reading of your country's history, I did not think you had any royalty in this country," Teal'c said.

"Because she is," Sam replied simply. "Sarah's a war queen, Annabelle is a princess and Will is the royal consort."

"War Queen?" Daniel echoed.

Sam simply nodded his head once again.

"From where?" Jack said having turned to stare back at the house where Sarah Lennox was still arguing with the robot called Ratchet.

"The Kingdom of Artemisia," Optimus stated. "I have traveled there many time. It is a very beautiful land with a proud, strong people."

"I've heard of Artemisia, some place," Carter said as she chewed on her bottom lip, her brow furrowed in through

"So what happened?" Jack asked. "She came here, fell in love and married Lennox?"

"More or less," Captain Lennox seemed to appear out of nowhere. "Came over to see how everyone liked their steaks."

"Medium well all round expect for Daniel he likes his warm and mooing," Jack replied. "So you married an alien?"

Lennox smiled smugly. "I married a goddess and Sam, Sarah's a Warrior Queen. A war queen is entirely different creature."

Sam shrugged his shoulders. "Warrior Queen. War Queen. Makes no difference to me. Your wife is scary."

"My Sarah is not scary," Will replied. "My Sarah is a sweet kind woman who is a highly intelligent and determined woman who knows what she wants and goes and gets it. The fact that she had human size Cybertronian weapons, thanks to Ironhide, hiding in the bedroom closet does not make her scary."

"Damn!" Jack said in awe. "You **really** have it bad!"

Lennox turned and glared at Jack. "And who exactly is ignoring an alien King while talking about my wife?"

"King?" Daniel asked

Lennox pointed up at Optimus and with that he turned and walked back to the grill.

"My title as Prime roughly translate into your language as king," Optimus explained.

"And you're Prime of your whole world or a part of it?" Daniel asked.

"The whole of my people no matter where in the universe they are," Optimus replied.

"So what are you doing on Earth?" Jack rocked back and forth on the ball of his feet again.

"Samuel! Come and help!" Sarah Lennox shouted from the back door.

"The Queen doth beckon," Sam jumped from Prime's knee and hurried towards the house leaving the member of SG-1 alone with Optimus Prime.

"She speaks and everyone listens," Jack mumbles to himself.

"You have no idea," Optimus added in. "She threatened to move her sparkling and herself to the temporary base we were using when she discovered we were not caring for Samuel to the degree she approved of."

"Sparkling?" Carter said.

"It is our term for a small child, a baby," Prime explained.

"You reproduce?" Carter gasped. "I mean… I would expect you to…"

"What Carter is trying to say," Jack interrupted, "is how do you have kids, given you seem to be all mechanical. Personally I would've thought that you'd skip that step and go straight to adults."

Optimus looked at Jack with a sparkle in his eyes, which was something those who know Prime are wary of. "Sex," he replied simply.

That single word was enough to stun the members of SG-1 into silence.

"Yeah," Jack finally said as he drew out the word as he tried to change the subject. "You never said why you and your people are here in our little neck of the universe."

"That is actually a long story," Prime replied. "Our people lived in peace until Megatron, the Lord High Protector lost his way. He became driven to control everything and everyone. He turned those he could control on to those he could not."

"A civil war," Daniel said softly.

Prime nodded his head. "For eons our war raged, neither side able to gain the upper hand as even the most innocent of all were killed in the name of war," Prime said as he looked in the direction of the of the yellow Autobot who was introduce as Bumblebee. "Bumblebee is the last of his generation. The last of children sparked on Cybertron."

Jack turned to look at the yellow Autobot. "How old is he?"

"In human terms, he would be 17 or 18 years old," Optimus replied.

"Still a kid," Jack said softly.

"They all are," Prime replied. "Our race was nearly devastated, so Megatron turned his eyes towards the Allspark, which was the source of life for my race," Prime explained. "With the Allspark under his control he could rebuild his army and eventual turn his attention to the rest of the universe. With this in mind I sent the Allspark into space before Megatron take control of it."

"And it ended up on Earth," Jack stated.

"As did Megatron," Prime said. "Both sides scattered across the universe searching for the Allspark, knowing that whoever found the Allspark would win the war. Megatron was the first to discover your world, luckily upon his entry into Earth's atmosphere he miscalculated and landed on your North Pole where he fell through the ice and was frozen."

"The Fates eventually led us to your world and to Sam," Optimus said.

"Yeah that's something I've been wondering about," Jack said. "What is Sam's part in all of this and how did he become this Allspark."

"He sacrificed himself," Sgt. Epps stated as he appeared behind them.

The member of SGC turned to face the Technical Sergeant.

"Sarah sent me to tell you dinner is ready," Epps said with a shrug of his shoulders.

"The kid sacrificed himself?" Jack said.

"Sam shoved the Allspark into Megatron chest, killing him. A side effect of that was that he absorbed the Allspark," Epps explained.

"So the cybernetics… that's the Allspark?" Carter said.

"Pretty much," Epps answered. "Come on we better get over there before all the food is gone. You should see how much Mulderrig and Shehan can put away. It's frightening."

Daniel turned back to Optimus. "Would it be possible to continue our conversation later?"

Optimus nodded his head. "Of course, Daniel Jackson."

"There's a lot more than what you told us," Jack chimed in.

"That's an understatement," Epps said with a snort. "Try a really big long mechanized scorpion."

"How big is really big?" Jack asked.

"Almost 9 feet long," Epps answered.

"Yeah that's really big scorpion," Jack said. "So what's the movie of the night?"

"The walking dead in honor of Jazz," Epps replied.

"Why in the honor of Jazz?" Daniel asked.

"Because he is one. Never use Worcestershire sauce as embalming fluid," Epps stated as he sat down at the picnic table.

"Now I know there is a story behind that," Jack said as he sat down.

"Oh yeah," Lennox scooped up a huge serving of German potato salad. "But it's nothing compared to the time that Jazz kill Kenny."

"You bastard!" a number of the men at the table said softly.

"I heard that!" Jazz shouted from where the Autobot had gathered to talk and share some type of food or fuel among themselves. "And my sights were off."

"Kenny?" Daniel said softly to Sarah Lennox.

"South Park," she replied.

"And Kenny was…" Jack asked his brow furrowed.

"From what Will said it was a dummy wearing an orange parka," Sarah explains.

Jack nodded his head. "And Worcestershire sauce was from Halloween," he said. "You know you're all insane."

"Says the man who walks through an upright backward flushing toilet so he can be shot at by evil alien slug," Shehan pointed out. "We get to stay home and worry about the toaster attacking us."

"That was an accident! I didn't mean to make it come alive," Sam cried out. "And beside it's your fault that Toastie shot the Pop Tarts at you. He doesn't like them. He says they're unhealthy for you. Beside he prefers English Muffins."

"Speaking of Toastie, where is the evil little thing?" Mulderrig asked before shoving a forkful of food in this mouth.

"Simmons," Epps and Lennox answered together, with an evil smirk on their faces.

All movement at the table stop as Lennox's men stared at Epps and Lennox in horror.

"Now that's mean," Shehan said softly. "I mean I know Simmons is an ass but did he really deserve that?"

Lennox shrugged his shoulders. "He insulted Sarah. Beside Toastie is happier there than here. From what Simmons said he's a bit like a cat; he sits on Simmons' chest in the morning and stares at him until he wakes up"

"That is one sick robot," Mulderrig said with a shake of his head.

"I am curious," Teal'c said as he set down his silverware. "Who is Toastie?"

Sarah sighed. "He was my toaster, until Sam accidentally brought him to life."

"Oh and here I just thought you had to worry about Christine," Jack chimed in.

"Barricade," the men at the table said at once.

"He's a Decepticon, a bad guy who can transform into Saleen S281 police car or he was the last time we saw him," Sam explained.

"They can change shapes?" Carter said in surprise. "They can take alternate forms than the ones we're seen."

"Afraid so," Lennox said. "But they're limited based on size and mass and… guess you can say function. I mean these guys are land based so they can't become fliers and fliers can't become land based. Or at least that's how I understand it. Hey for all we know your truck could be a transformer."

"It's not," Ratchet said. "I've already scanned it however Colonel O'Neill I suggest that you have your radiator checks soon. It appears to have a blockage of some type."

"Car doctor too?" Jack suggested.

"And human doctor too," Mulderrig said with a sigh. "He knows everything going on with you every time you meet him, from an upset stomach to a hang nail."

"Or when you're interested in someone," Sam grumbled. "Worse than my parents."

"Well that won't happen again, Sam, not after the little talk I had with Ratchet," Sarah said with a dangerous note in her voice.

"Upsetting Sarah is a bad idea," Will shook his head.

"Upsetting any woman is a bad idea," Epps stated. "They'll either rip you to shreds or they'll cry on you, either way you're screwed."

"Or both at the same time," Jack commented with a voice of experience. "And then their friends will join in."

"Women! Can't live with them, can't live without them," Shehan said before he suddenly froze. Slowly he looked over in Sarah's directions. Letting out a nervous little laugh, he said, "Of course I won't want to. After all I need a lovely lady in my life to brighten it. Maybe sometime I'll meet someone as wonderful as you are Sarah."

"Nice try, soldier," Sarah said with an evil smirk.

"Shit! I'm a dead man," Shehan said grimly.

"That boy taken way too many shots to the head," Epps said sadly as he shook his head.

"So what do you think of all of this?" Mulderrig asked as a way to change the subject and to try and save his friend's life before he opened his big mouth once again.

"I agree, having observed the females of the Tau'ri, he is a dead man," Teal'c said with a straight face.

Jack chuckled softly. "Hope you have plenty of Worcestershire sauce on hand. And speaking of horror there's one thing that I want to do."

"And what is that Colonel," Sarah asked with the same airs as that of a queen.

"Why slugs?" Jack asked with his most charming of smile. " I mean that black… alien. That's Hide, right?" Jack pointed over at Ironhide. "He's afraid of slugs."

"I'm not afraid of them," Ironhide growled as he approached the table. "I despise them."

"Why? I mean they're so tiny and you're so big," Jack asked.

"Have you ever seen the movie Men In Black?" Ironhide asked.

"Yeah," Jack said cautiously.

"Then I suggest you think about it," Hide growled before turning back to his comrades.

Jack turned back to the soldiers with a questioning look.

"Big slug," Sam supplied. "Really big slug."

Jack brow furrowed with thought but before he could say anything Carter said, "Are you saying a slug ate him?"

Sam nodded his head since he had a mouth full of food.

The member of SG-1 looked over at Ironhide.

"That had to have been one **big** slug!" Jack said.

* * *

The next afternoon, Jack sitting at his desk and grudgingly typed up the report on the movie night for General Hammond.

His brow was furrowed as he typed in the section in which they had discussed about Sarah Lennox being a Warrior Queen. With a growl of frustration Jack picked up the phone and dialed an internal number.

A distracted sounding voice answered the phone with a "Hello?"

"Daniel, it's Jack," the Colonel said. "I need to ask you something."

"No, Jack I am not writing your report for you. And you can't copy mine either," Daniel said with a sigh.

"I know that, Daniel. I actual was calling to ask you something," Jack said.

"Oh," Daniel said his embarrassment was evident from the sound of his voice. "What is it?"

"What was the name of the place Captain Lennox's wife from?" Jack said.

"Artemisia," Daniel replied. "It seems to have been connotation the Goddess Artemis, who in Greek mythology was the Goddess of the Hunt. Of course she's better know to us by her Roman name, which was Diana. Before starting new military campaign the Spartans would make sacrifice to her since she was on of their patron goddesses."

"Daniel," Jack said before Daniel could continue to lecture.

"What, Jack?" Daniel replied.

"How do you spell it?" Jack said his fingers hovering over the keyboard. "A. R. T….

"Oh. Ummm…" Daniel quickly spelled out the word as Jack type it in. "So that was it?" Daniel said disbelief

"Have Carter and you figured out where this place is?" Jack asked as he continued to type his reported.

"Not yet," Daniel growled in frustration. "We're been able to eliminate all of the worlds we're been too and at least half of the worlds we have from the map room from Abydos. It's only a matter of time."

"Right," Jack said. "Of course we could always go and ask Sarah were her home is."

There was dead silence over the phone line. "Was there anything else, Jack?" Daniel growled.

"No. Not that was all. Thanks," Jack said with a smirk before hanging up the phone.

Jack continued to type his report but as his brow furrowed in thought his typing slowed until he was barely typing at all.

Opening an Internet window, Jack went to his favorite search window and typed in Artemisia. The search problem listed Artemisia as the scientific name for a genus of place; a movie made back in 1997 and the Kingdom of Artemisia. Jack click on the link for the Kingdom of Artemisia.

"Oh for crying out loud!"

* * *

**Post Author Notes:**

Yes the Kingdom of Artemisia does exist and it is very beautiful. I hope to be able to travel there someday and explore.

For those in the know… I made up the Warrior Queen unless some group has one and I don't know about it.

As for those who are wondering what I'm talking about… well you'll have to look it up.


End file.
